things i love

happy valentines day.

we celebrated ours in the wonderful san diego. stories and pictures to come about that later! it was the bomb.

today has been hard for me. i don't often get spiritual on my blog, so this is kind of hard for me. maybe as many of you know, we are trying for baby #2. we've been trying for 8 months now. this month, unlike all the other months, i swear this was it. instead of being like 72% sure, I was like 98% sure. i was so sure. andrew kept telling me not to get my hopes up. he tells me this every month. and every month, especially this month, i do not listen. well turns out he was right.

i feel so angry. and hurt. and just awful. this is tough stuff! i never thought this would happen to me. especially after we'd had jaxon so fast.

to make matters worse, it feels like no one really understands. everyone here in utah can just pop babies out like its no ones business. sorry if i'm offending anyone, but you've gotta admit it's true. it's not even that everyone else has , had or is having a baby. i swear i wanted a baby first anyway! it's the fact that jax needs someone else. to be honest, the whole pregnancy thing isn't a pretty sight on me. i look and feel awful and have to have c-sections which are misery. jax was a devil newborn child. the whole experience was not very fun. but i don't care. i'll do it again. for jax. i just need one more. i can live with two kids, but one? just one? no. it's not fair for jaxon.

yesterday i just laid in bed and cried. why me?

today we went to church. even though our ward is filled with about 10,000 babies and expectant mothers, i tried to ignore that fact and enjoy it anyway. everything was going ok. i just tried not to stare at the babies for too long. i tried to really listen to the talks. they were about strengthening marriage. perfect. it was not until the end that it just all came out. we sang my fave song, " i need thee every hour". that's when i couldn't take it any longer. i was already on edge emotionally anyway. this was the final straw. bam. i cried and cried and tried to keep singing but just kept crying. good thing it was the last song, because i felt like an idiot. people probably were wondering what the heck brought that on, because nothing sad even happened. i felt so stupid. i felt sad but peaceful. because that's what that song always does to me, puts me at peace.

during that melt down session , i was able to think of some things. i get so sick of hearing, "oh, it'll happen when it's supposed to." especially from people who have no idea what this feels like. but then i thought, maybe that's true. well, it is true. because god knows what he's doing. maybe god doesn't hate me, maybe i'm not being punished. maybe there is a reason for this. but what? then i got thinking of the possible reasons. they could be anything. i'm probably supposed to learn something. accomplish something? patience? get closer to my husband? be a better mom to the one i have? be more religious? understand more about the temple? or is he just giving me a break? because he knows i can't handle 2 young kids right now? or maybe he's giving me a chance to lose weight and look good, so i can feel good?  well, whatever it is, i realized i shouldn't dwell on it. i can't change it. i'm in good hands. and the most important thing , is to love what i do have. the first song we sang today was "count your many blessings". i swear church was made especially for me today. do you ever feel like that?

i'm stealing this quote from my friend kim's blog, and it's going over our  bed too, when i get the chance:

"live the life you love, love the life you live.

it's perfect. a daily reminder to slow down, and love what i have. i have a great husband and a cute , healthy son. i am a part of the church. i have a nice house with nice things. i have food and shelter, friends and family. a body that works. we have a car. a camera. we have to what some people would be luxuries. who am i to feel all this self pity?

i have a good life.

i have these men:

i love them so much.

everything will be ok.

happy valentines day.