my pity party.

will someone please share with me how this is done?

i suck at it.

i don't even do that much. but apparently its too much.

how do i keep the house clean and cook meals and edit pictures and exercise and do my hair and read photography books and edit pictures and give my husband attention and have a social life and potty train my son and edit pictures and be a good mom and e-mail people back and edit even more pictures?

how?

what happens when jaxon starts school? what happens when i have more than one kid to worry about? what happens when there is soccer practice, dentist and doctor appts, back to school night? what happens when my kids are older and i still can't figure out how to manage dinner and actually eat it at the kitchen table? 

some people do photography with 5 young kids. some people are even self taught like me and manage to do it. some people even go to school and have another job and do photography. some people are amazing. i am not.

its so hard to not be disappointed in myself.

i am not good enough. andrew does everything. we go out to eat. i never make dinner. i am not what a wife should be. i do nothing that i should do. i want to be everything, do everything. i can't. and it bothers me that some people can.

yes, this is a pity party. i'm having a big fat pity party on my blog. sue me!

i don't need to hear these things aren't true. because no matter what, they are true. i know it.

richfield.

this last weekend i went to richfield to do some photoshoots.

which i probably won't be doing again for awhile because it turned out to be kind of a waste!

half of my sessions canceled last minute.

but i did get to see this boy...

and these guys..

we went on a fourwheeler ride.

jax loves it.

little bev had a game in manti.

 he's number 63.

jax and grandma watching the game.

i didn't get pictures of my dad or carson.

next time.

games.

when i was younger i remember making these folder learning games with my mom.

i remember just loving them, and doing them with my little brothers.

later, when i worked at a middle school as a special ed teachers aide, i took these from home into the school.

the kids loved them.

then i packed them away in a box and sort of forgot about them for a few years.

i remembered them last week.

jax absolutely loves them.

there were about 15 games, and we had to do ALL of them.

he is so so so smart, he surprises me with his knowledge nearly everyday.

mom, i thought you'd like to see these games going to good use once again.

a small step

I know this is a very personal post, so don't read it if what goes on in the woman's body freaks you out.
I'm just beyond caring if people think i am gross right now.

because

tears of joy are leaking out of my eye ducts.

I have been having infertility battles. Anyone who knows me well knows this and must be incredibly sick of hearing about it and dealing with my pregnant person hater attitude.

We've been trying for one year, four months. yep, that long.

i never thought i'd be one of those people who could say it. well, now i'm saying it. and it sucks. and if i was careless and rude because of my ignorance of this subject towards anyone dealing with this horrible situation, then I am sorry. Only now do i realize what a nightmare this can be!


Anyway.

I took clomid this month. (5 day fertility pill)
It's supposed to make you ovulate.

AAAAAAND it DID!

I have the Maybe Mom. Its a mini microscope you spit on in the morning, telling you if you're ovulating. Basically up until now, I thought this was a crock of shiz. People said it worked. But something working for someone else, DOES NOT mean it could or would or should work for me. I am the exception apparently. Its the law of nature.yay.

Anyway, I am SO happy to report that this morning, my saliva testing was successful! I did exactly as the directions said, and low and behold , I looked through the mini microscope and saw what i was SUPPOSED to see. Instantly , I cried. I know its ridiculous, cause its in no way a plus sign on a pregnancy test, but it was something RIGHT. It was there. Something about me is right. I am ovulating. Up until now, the stupid microscope has NEVER worked when I test, and i got it in like February. I'm pretty sure a couple of months i wasn't doing it right. who really knows. But i did it right this month, and I. am. ovulating!

One problem out of the way.

i've been able to track my ovulation before , on those pee sticks. then we ....did what we were supposed to...and well, obviously nothing came of it.

sooooo....i'm hoping, crossing my fingers, that i've just never tracked it right, and this time i finally have, so THIS MONTH WILL BE THE MONTH.

for crying out loud. it better be the month.


i am worried it's something else though. my hope is shot.
i think its more than ovulation.
my doctor told me my uterus is tipped. like way bad. like so bad that it took two doctors to get my IUD in because of it. fun stuff.


i just caaaaaan't afford to go to the dr. ever. not even jax can go. don't get me started on healthcare.
i just want to be normal and for this crap to be over!


and.....
heres to hoping........

Labor Day.

here is a MASSIVE picture overload.

and i don't mean some wimpy little overload.

i mean huge.

like you might not even make it through.

or half way through for that matter.

anyway, i've got so much blogging to do, and i feel like i'll never catch up.

i couldn't go another second without posting these.

we had such a blast, and i was in photo heaven.

this is lebaron lake up beaver canyon.

it was cold. but glorious.

i loved almost every minute of it (the cold uncomfortable night & whiny 2 year old, i could have done without)

here it goes

(in a completely random order)

ahhh. i love the mountains. truly i do. 

and one day i'll have a zoom lens for landscapes and wildlife...one day.

i'm having a hard time understanding why life has to be so ironic.

some people have things that they don't even need, or want or use.

while i would love them and use them one thousand times over.

there have been examples of that lately in my life.

i won't elaborate.

that's life.

it's funny.

it's crazy.

it's ironic.

i am blessed to have what i have. i know i am.

hope you had a great labor day!!