i am so proud of myself. you see, i have a serious chocolate chip cookie addiction. its bad. well, i found a recipe a couple years ago that is sort of healthy and i love it! well, today i just made it even healthier. well, maybe not healthier but not as bad for you. we'll put it like that. BUT you have to like the taste of wheat flour. personally, i love it.
Here's the recipe:
4 tbsp ground flax seed
6 tbsp water
1 c. i can't believe its not butter
3/4 c. brown sugar
3/4 c. sugar substitute (splenda, stevia, etc)
1 c. oat flour ( i used my new food processor to grind up oats!)
2 c. wheat flour
1/ tsp sea salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp vanilla
1 c. dark chocolate chips (nestle is gooood)
preheat oven to 350
-mix flax and water in separate bowl. let it sit for a minute.
-in another bowl, mix flours, salt, baking soda, baking powder and chocolate chips
-in flax bowl, add sugars, butter & vanilla. whisk til creamy.
-stir in dry indredients
-shape into balls
-bake 7-9 minutes.
YES! or you can eat the cookie dough like me!
the original recipe comes from my friend sierra. you can find it here:
i love these cookies. but i love flax and wheat flour. so i don't know if you'll like them. andrew doesn't really like them, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth , so it doesn't really matter now does it!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
discouraged and confused.
Okay, i don't expect huge results after 8 days of doing the 30 day shred and drinking more water than usual. BUT i DO expect no weight gain. yeah, you heard it right. WEIGHT GAIN.
HOW?
WHY?
I really don't know. The whole eating 1200 calories a day thing was very short lived for me. Instead, I am working on eating "cleaner". this means more natural, less processed crap. No, i can't live without sweets so i don't even try. BUT i have been trying healthier dessert recipes, and while none taste quite as good to me, they actually take care of my crazy craving. (NOTE: DO NOT try the black bean brownies, or white bean blondies. just don't put beans in your desserts, that's not where they're meant to be.)
I have felt pretty proud of myself. I have gained endurance with the 30 day shred. If any of you have done that workout, its pretty intense. I've stayed consistent with it, i don't cheat.
I don't touch pop. I haven't had fast food. I have been eating mainly healthy things, or homemade things. I only really drink water or milk. SKIM milk. I have done pretty well with my 80oz a day of water goal.
Doing all of this, HOW ON EARTH HAVE I GAINED 3 LBS?
no, its not muscle. i have not gained 3 whole pounds of muscle doing a 20 min work out in one week. yes, i will gain muscle after awhile of doing this, but not this soon.
Andrew suggests i'm retaining water since i'm drinking so much....No...pretty sure it works opposite right?
The weight gain wouldn't be SO BAD if my clothes were fitting differently. but they're not. infact, my pants are a tiny bit tighter. ummmm.....yeah.
I'M NOT PREGNANT. i just took the test today.
But i am very sure i have PCOS. even though i tested negative for it, i am still convinced i have it. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I have like 5 out of the 7 symptoms. It messes with your hormones and blood sugar. I don't really fully get it , but i know it messes with weight loss. blah.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYY???
I feel like crying. I'm not ready to accept myself as a fat person. I'm just not ready.
why does my body want to work against me? As if eating better and exercising aren't hard enough!!!
HOW?
WHY?
I really don't know. The whole eating 1200 calories a day thing was very short lived for me. Instead, I am working on eating "cleaner". this means more natural, less processed crap. No, i can't live without sweets so i don't even try. BUT i have been trying healthier dessert recipes, and while none taste quite as good to me, they actually take care of my crazy craving. (NOTE: DO NOT try the black bean brownies, or white bean blondies. just don't put beans in your desserts, that's not where they're meant to be.)
I have felt pretty proud of myself. I have gained endurance with the 30 day shred. If any of you have done that workout, its pretty intense. I've stayed consistent with it, i don't cheat.
I don't touch pop. I haven't had fast food. I have been eating mainly healthy things, or homemade things. I only really drink water or milk. SKIM milk. I have done pretty well with my 80oz a day of water goal.
Doing all of this, HOW ON EARTH HAVE I GAINED 3 LBS?
no, its not muscle. i have not gained 3 whole pounds of muscle doing a 20 min work out in one week. yes, i will gain muscle after awhile of doing this, but not this soon.
Andrew suggests i'm retaining water since i'm drinking so much....No...pretty sure it works opposite right?
The weight gain wouldn't be SO BAD if my clothes were fitting differently. but they're not. infact, my pants are a tiny bit tighter. ummmm.....yeah.
I'M NOT PREGNANT. i just took the test today.
But i am very sure i have PCOS. even though i tested negative for it, i am still convinced i have it. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I have like 5 out of the 7 symptoms. It messes with your hormones and blood sugar. I don't really fully get it , but i know it messes with weight loss. blah.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYY???
I feel like crying. I'm not ready to accept myself as a fat person. I'm just not ready.
why does my body want to work against me? As if eating better and exercising aren't hard enough!!!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Doing something about it!
thanks everyone for your so sweet comments. ya know, it really helps me to blog and whine and share all my problems with the internet world...why? i don't know. But now that my melt down is over, i've decided that i'm ready to DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY PROBLEM. probably just one of them , though. the biggest one. the one that makes me hate myself more than anything else: my weight.
Soooo.....thanks to pinterest, i found a girl like me. she just had baby #2, and wants to lose weight! she's done it before (not so much like me) & is ready to do it again! i'm so glad i found her. i'm gonna stalk her now. here is her blog:: Mama Laughlin . She is hilarious and inspirational and well, i'm just glad i found her. She is starting the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. i actually have that DVD already, so i'm gonna start it with her! she is one day ahead of me.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that i am not like other girls. i don't naturally lose weight by sitting there doing whatever i want. sad, but true story. i don't have "skinny" genes (hahah pun intended. get it?) i'm not naturally small or petite. i don't have fast metabolism. there is no secret diet or pill for me. i have to work harder. and still, i'll never be as small as those girls. thats just me, and that's just life. suck it up, right? all the whining and wishing in the world is not gonna change any of that. well, that's easier said than done. i can't say i'm never gonna whine again. that would be a lie.
so here they are : my BEFORE pics.
go ahead, laugh , gasp, cringe, think i'm gross for posting these. i don't really care. you don't have to keep reading my blog. no one is making you. this is for me , and maybe for anyone else who needs some inspiration.
my goals:
my long term goal is to weigh 155 lbs & be in a size 11.
my goal in 30 days: lose 10lbs & go down a pants size.
how i plan on getting there:
-doing the 30 day shred workout (7days a week for 30 days)
-eating 1200 calories a day & using an online diary (my fitness pal) to keep track.
-drinking 80oz of water a day (10 cups)
we'll see where this gets me in 30 days... eek i'm kind of scared!
i know i need to do this, but i doubt myself and my willpower (i have none when it comes to sweets)
and i get kinda (ok maybe WAY) lazy when it comes to workouts.
BUT ...imma do this.
my inspiration is my friends wedding in a couple weeks AND family pictures in April. i want to look good in each of these things. AND i wanna be hotter than my ex-boyfriends wife! hahaha don't tell me you don't wish the same thing! i can totally be hotter than her. and for some sick reason, that makes me feel so great. whatever works, right?
okay. i'm gonna leave you with that half naked image of me to think about all day. you lucky people!
OH AND i am freely welcoming encouraging thoughts and nice comments on this matter. just so ya know.
Soooo.....thanks to pinterest, i found a girl like me. she just had baby #2, and wants to lose weight! she's done it before (not so much like me) & is ready to do it again! i'm so glad i found her. i'm gonna stalk her now. here is her blog:: Mama Laughlin . She is hilarious and inspirational and well, i'm just glad i found her. She is starting the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. i actually have that DVD already, so i'm gonna start it with her! she is one day ahead of me.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that i am not like other girls. i don't naturally lose weight by sitting there doing whatever i want. sad, but true story. i don't have "skinny" genes (hahah pun intended. get it?) i'm not naturally small or petite. i don't have fast metabolism. there is no secret diet or pill for me. i have to work harder. and still, i'll never be as small as those girls. thats just me, and that's just life. suck it up, right? all the whining and wishing in the world is not gonna change any of that. well, that's easier said than done. i can't say i'm never gonna whine again. that would be a lie.
so here they are : my BEFORE pics.
measurements:
(6 months post partum)
weight: 197lbs
waist: 37 in
hips: 41.5 in
bust: 43 in
arms: 13 in.
thigh: 24 in.
pants size: 14/15
my goals:
my long term goal is to weigh 155 lbs & be in a size 11.
my goal in 30 days: lose 10lbs & go down a pants size.
how i plan on getting there:
-doing the 30 day shred workout (7days a week for 30 days)
-eating 1200 calories a day & using an online diary (my fitness pal) to keep track.
-drinking 80oz of water a day (10 cups)
we'll see where this gets me in 30 days... eek i'm kind of scared!
i know i need to do this, but i doubt myself and my willpower (i have none when it comes to sweets)
and i get kinda (ok maybe WAY) lazy when it comes to workouts.
BUT ...imma do this.
my inspiration is my friends wedding in a couple weeks AND family pictures in April. i want to look good in each of these things. AND i wanna be hotter than my ex-boyfriends wife! hahaha don't tell me you don't wish the same thing! i can totally be hotter than her. and for some sick reason, that makes me feel so great. whatever works, right?
okay. i'm gonna leave you with that half naked image of me to think about all day. you lucky people!
OH AND i am freely welcoming encouraging thoughts and nice comments on this matter. just so ya know.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Overwhelmed and Discouraged
some days i hate myself.
today is one of those days.
the problem with me is, i want it all. and i want it all NOW. I don't want to work for it, and i don't want to wait. even though i know this about myself, it doesn't help. it doesn't change me.
i want a skinny body. a long, lean skinny body. i want to be in a size 9 or 11. that's surely not much to ask is it? oh, but it is. today i went and tried on clothes. nothing fits me in my closet. i'm sick of it. i hang out in pajamas all day because i really have nothing that fits me. trying on clothes always makes me hate myself. i'm a size 15 and yeah that's embarrassing but i really don't care who knows anymore. i couldn't even fit into some of the 15's. my thighs and belly are huge. i have love handles oozing out of the top of every pair of pants. it makes every shirt i try to wear very unflattering. i'm so tall that nothing fits. being tall AND fat is very very hard to find clothes that fit. i feel so helpless about it. i know i need to not eat sugar. its a vicious cycle with that , though. the minute i tell myself i can't have it, i want it. and i have to have it. and i'll eat more of it than if i tell myself i CAN have it. i can't go without sweets, i just can't do it. and i'm SICK AND TIRED of people saying , you are beautiful no matter what size you are, you are a mother, its not about looks. screw that. i don't care if i seem surface or whatever. if i don't look good, i don't feel good about myself. period. i can tell myself all day that marilyn monroe was a size 14 and her thighs touched too, and that was considered "beauty" , and blah blah blah. at the end of the day, i still wanna be skinny. everyone does. i don't expect to be a size 0 or even a size 6. i know that's out of the question for me, i have hips and a shape. i don't mind that. but just because i am"built bigger" doesn't mean i have to accept my thighs being as big as a football players! waaaaah waaaah waaaah! i'm so ornery about this. i snap at andrew and the kids because i hate the way i look. i hate looking at pics of myself. i see pics of how i used to look and just cry! why did this happen? yeah, i have a sweets problem, but c'mon, it isn't that bad! i don't sit there and eat crap all day. i drink water, never pop. i try to stay away from bread. i'm so pissed!!!!
i want to be a great mom. i want to read & teach my kids. i want to be patient with them all day. i want to take them on walks and cook them good meals. i want to be cherishing every sweet little thing each of my boys is doing. they'll never be this age again and that eats me up inside. i don't blog as much about them. i don't blog about mason as much as i did with jax. i don't do fun things with mason, like i did with jax at that age. mostly, i just want jax to go play with his friends, so he'll QUIT TALKING TO ME! that is so horrible, but its how i feel. i just want some piece and quiet and he won't ever stop! i feel so horrible about it. he's such a good , sweet and smart kid.
i want to be a good wife. that means keep the house clean, organize, grocery shop, cook meals. i suck at all 4 of those things, and i'm really not lying.
i want to look good. i want to do my make up and hair every day. i want to pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs and armpits. i want to get a tan. i want to paint my toenails & wear jewelry. i don't have time to look good, or a reason really.
i want to do crafts. i want my house to look cute. i have so many crafts on pinterest that i want to do. i don't do them. other moms do them.
i want to eat good food. i wanna have cookies. i wanna eat normal things, things i've eaten my whole life and not feel so much freaking guilt.
i want to blog. i never have the time. its always about editing other people's pictures, not my own. its always about keeping up on my photography blog and or facebook.
i want to better my photography business. i want to learn how to design. i want to take classes. i want to make thank you cards to send to my clients. i want a whole new packaging plan with my photography when i send out discs and prints.
i want to download music and have tons and tons of good music on my i-pod.
i want to learn to sew.
i want to learn to play my guitar.
i want to run a half marathon.
i want to keep up on everyone's birthdays by sending cards to them.
i want to learn to cook and learn to actually freaking like it.
i want my house clean. and kept clean. i want a system.
i want to be freaking organized.
i want to read books.
i know i'm the only one that can make these changes. there is no secret to doing these things without working for them. i know that. and that overwhelms me. then i go take a nap to get away from it.
today is one of those days.
the problem with me is, i want it all. and i want it all NOW. I don't want to work for it, and i don't want to wait. even though i know this about myself, it doesn't help. it doesn't change me.
i want a skinny body. a long, lean skinny body. i want to be in a size 9 or 11. that's surely not much to ask is it? oh, but it is. today i went and tried on clothes. nothing fits me in my closet. i'm sick of it. i hang out in pajamas all day because i really have nothing that fits me. trying on clothes always makes me hate myself. i'm a size 15 and yeah that's embarrassing but i really don't care who knows anymore. i couldn't even fit into some of the 15's. my thighs and belly are huge. i have love handles oozing out of the top of every pair of pants. it makes every shirt i try to wear very unflattering. i'm so tall that nothing fits. being tall AND fat is very very hard to find clothes that fit. i feel so helpless about it. i know i need to not eat sugar. its a vicious cycle with that , though. the minute i tell myself i can't have it, i want it. and i have to have it. and i'll eat more of it than if i tell myself i CAN have it. i can't go without sweets, i just can't do it. and i'm SICK AND TIRED of people saying , you are beautiful no matter what size you are, you are a mother, its not about looks. screw that. i don't care if i seem surface or whatever. if i don't look good, i don't feel good about myself. period. i can tell myself all day that marilyn monroe was a size 14 and her thighs touched too, and that was considered "beauty" , and blah blah blah. at the end of the day, i still wanna be skinny. everyone does. i don't expect to be a size 0 or even a size 6. i know that's out of the question for me, i have hips and a shape. i don't mind that. but just because i am"built bigger" doesn't mean i have to accept my thighs being as big as a football players! waaaaah waaaah waaaah! i'm so ornery about this. i snap at andrew and the kids because i hate the way i look. i hate looking at pics of myself. i see pics of how i used to look and just cry! why did this happen? yeah, i have a sweets problem, but c'mon, it isn't that bad! i don't sit there and eat crap all day. i drink water, never pop. i try to stay away from bread. i'm so pissed!!!!
i want to be a great mom. i want to read & teach my kids. i want to be patient with them all day. i want to take them on walks and cook them good meals. i want to be cherishing every sweet little thing each of my boys is doing. they'll never be this age again and that eats me up inside. i don't blog as much about them. i don't blog about mason as much as i did with jax. i don't do fun things with mason, like i did with jax at that age. mostly, i just want jax to go play with his friends, so he'll QUIT TALKING TO ME! that is so horrible, but its how i feel. i just want some piece and quiet and he won't ever stop! i feel so horrible about it. he's such a good , sweet and smart kid.
i want to be a good wife. that means keep the house clean, organize, grocery shop, cook meals. i suck at all 4 of those things, and i'm really not lying.
i want to look good. i want to do my make up and hair every day. i want to pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs and armpits. i want to get a tan. i want to paint my toenails & wear jewelry. i don't have time to look good, or a reason really.
i want to do crafts. i want my house to look cute. i have so many crafts on pinterest that i want to do. i don't do them. other moms do them.
i want to eat good food. i wanna have cookies. i wanna eat normal things, things i've eaten my whole life and not feel so much freaking guilt.
i want to blog. i never have the time. its always about editing other people's pictures, not my own. its always about keeping up on my photography blog and or facebook.
i want to better my photography business. i want to learn how to design. i want to take classes. i want to make thank you cards to send to my clients. i want a whole new packaging plan with my photography when i send out discs and prints.
i want to download music and have tons and tons of good music on my i-pod.
i want to learn to sew.
i want to learn to play my guitar.
i want to run a half marathon.
i want to keep up on everyone's birthdays by sending cards to them.
i want to learn to cook and learn to actually freaking like it.
i want my house clean. and kept clean. i want a system.
i want to be freaking organized.
i want to read books.
i know i'm the only one that can make these changes. there is no secret to doing these things without working for them. i know that. and that overwhelms me. then i go take a nap to get away from it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Baby M is 6 months!
I'm sad. our sweet Mas is 6 months old today!
i can't believe it!
here are some things about the man:
-he's a teensy bit BELOW average in height and weight. i never thought i'd have a kid like that. i come from a family of very large babies and kids. i actually love his small petite-ness. yes, he could be a bit chubbier, i love chubby babies. but i love little mas man. he seems younger than he is , which means he gets to be a baby longer.
-he still eats every 3 hours, anywhere from 4-6 oz.
-we started rice cereal mixed with apple juice and he loved it! he did really well with it. jax didn't at first, so we were surprised when he caught right on!
- he spits up soooo bad. its a gross habit he needs to kick.
-his eyes have turned gray. (just like jax) we think his eyes will be hazel (just like jax)
-he loves bath time. always has.
- he loves big brother. he smiles and smiles and stares and listens to jax. its really the cutest thing ever and i'm so glad they have each other.
- he's mainly a pretty happy, smiley boy now. sometimes by just looking at someone, he'll laugh.
but usually he'll get this tired energy and start laughing. that's when we know its almost nap time because it will turn into a cry not long after.
- he has slept through the night! a few times! but only in st george. he likes to be home. he's a much better sleeper than stinky jax ever was.
- he'll usually take 2 naps a day. a shorter one about an hour or two after he wakes up in the morning. and a longer afternoon one (up to 2 ish hours!) he goes to bed around 8 or 9. i feel like we're getting a nice routine with him.
- he is a big time mama's boy. he loves me more than anything. he's obsessed with me. he wants to be a part of my body (again). i actually kind of love it. jax never made me feel that special :( now jax is a sweetheart, but as a baby , he didn't care who had him. when mason hears my voice or sees me, he lights up. OR cries. he cries because he wants me and he knows no one can make him as happy as mama can! Until a few days ago (i'm really sad and kind of glad about this actually), he liked to be swaddled tightly and spanked hard on the bum to go to sleep. now, i guess he thinks he's getting too old for that or something , cause he likes to be put in his crib to go to sleep on his own.
- he loves people and noise and going places.
- he's not as hmmm...whats the right word for this...motivated as jax was. he's not as eager to go go go and learn. its okay with me, i'm not worried about him or anything. i think jax was and still is maybe an over-achiever. he acts older than his age. Mason doesn't. and i'm fine with that. he reaches out and grabs things, puts everything in his mouth, and makes sweet baby noises. he's a bit more content i'd say. and maybe a bit more mellow. he's fine just watching things happen. i wonder if he'll always be like that? its interesting to see the different personalities in the boys. and to see how young they start to show their personalities. i just don't want him to have to live in jax's shadow and have "middle child syndrome". i think jax will always be bigger and more motivated. mason is "average"... hmmm we'll see. its funny the things you start to worry and think about as a parent.
we had a mini photoshoot on my mom's kitchen floor. (she has some of the yummiest window light)
i have more that i want to edit and post eventually.
he's such a beautiful little bear.
i love his sparkly eyes and his petite nose.
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