I feel happy right now.
I think its because I've come to some realizations. About myself, about life , about marriage.
Life has been crappy lately, for me. I've been so depressed and hopeless. I've felt stuck in a rut, or maybe worse, a bottomless pit that somehow gets deeper everyday.
I felt like nothing could get better, no matter how hard I try. And now I'm realizing some things. I am too hard on myself. I expect everything out of myself at once. I focus on negatives. I can't lose weight and look great like other moms I see here. I can't cook worth crap. I hate mornings and organizing. I struggle with being a Mom, a wife, and me all at the same time. My marriage sucks. I am not as good at photography as I want to be. I don't have all the worldly luxuries that I see others my age having.
I need to take on one thing at a time, I've realized. This week, I've been working on the organizing. I've cleaned out the fridge, our closet, the pantry, & the hall closet. That's really a big deal for me. I loathe that kind of thing. I feel so wonderful and accomplished and lighter after having those things done. For the last couple weeks, I've been working on slowly eating healthier. Skim milk, kashi cereal, lots of water, no pop. I try to THINK before I put something into my body. I haven't given up sweets, and I don't plan to. Again, that's too big of an expectation to have about myself right now.
I've tried putting time aside for jaxon. Not for doing what I usually do with him: surviving. getting by. making sure he eats everything off his plate or it's time out. cleaning up his room constantly or keeping up perfectly on his laundry. or making sure bedtime is at exactly 8:00 every night. I tried to slow down, and breathe, and just watch him, just hang out with him. It was crazy what I saw. I saw him completely different. I quit being his Mom and tried to be his friend. He's so cute and smart, it surprised the heck out of me. We hung out in his room for awhile, and I realized what I had been missing out on and it made me sad.
And the marriage. Oh, the marriage. It's been pretty crappy for awhile now. I've about called it quits a few times. I feel like we are two completely different people now. Roomates instead of lovers. Snappy, rude, short tempered, quick to assume and make judgements. We won't even give eachother a chance to explain before thinking we know exactly what the others intentions are. Our communication skills are pretty crappy. Acting like that, That's just bad news waiting to happen. While cleaning out one of the closets, I came across an album I had made for Andrew a few months after we got married called "I love you because..." There were a bunch of cute scrapbook pages I put together, filled with pictures and reasons why I loved Andrew. I read it, then realized how much he had changed from that person. How much we had changed. I didn't feel that way about him anymore. He wasn't that person to me at all anymore. That was sad. I cried for awhile in the hallway. A few days later, during one of our daily fights, I told him exactly how I felt. That's the good thing about me, and that's the bad thing about me. I say what I feel when I'm feeling it. I don't hide my feelings or emotions. From him anyway. I told him how much I feel he has changed. I feel like he doesn't even love me or want to be around me anymore, and how hard that is for me. Then I showed him the scrapbook. We looked at it together and cried. We then realized what we had become. Hard hearted, bitter, hopeless, assuming, negative, & complicated. We are both guilty here, but we feed off one another.
We figured out what it was that had changed. We are not simple anymore. We are too caught up in everything around us EXCEPT eachother. In the pictures, we only had eachother. Facebook, what was that? Blog? I didn't even know what that word meant. Photography? Nope. X-box? Nope. Were we constantly comparing ourselves to those around us and feeling sorry for ourselves because we feel like we can never catch up with the world? Nope. We didn't care. We played scrabble at night and he made romantic surprise dinners for me. I realize that simplicity can't last forever. Things always get complicated. We all evolve, change, want more out of life. We were naive, ignorant. But it was great.
I can't expect things to go back to how they were. We are different now. I was basically a kid then. That was 4 years ago. But to me, it might as well be 10. That was a lifetime ago. I don't know if I can ever be fully happy or content. I've always been that way. So restless, ready for change. But that's okay. That's me, and now I realize that. I am not a go to church lover. I tried to be that person for awhile and its not me. Forcing myself to do things just because I know other people want me to do it is not good for me. Or good for anyone. So, I'm not gonna be like that anymore. I am going to be myself , and if people can't like me for that , well then that's their problem. Figuring these things out about me helps a bit.
I am happy to report that things are getting better. Now that we both see a problem, and where its coming from and why it happened, we're both working to fix it a little bit at a time. Little things, like holding my hand, or giving me a hug, or wanting to talk to me at night. Things like that, make me happier. I am trying to think of him too. How he takes on a lot. Work, school, bills, me , Jaxon. I try to be happy to see him when he comes home, and show more patience with Jaxon. Try to keep the house clean & organized. Try to have an overall positive attitude about things. I am not good at cooking meals, and he knows that and is patient about it. I don't pay bills, because my brain is too all over the place to function in that sort of way, but I will try harder to help out that way.
I want to make life more simple. Why did it have to get so complicated? I miss the simple times. I am going to try to strive to be more simple. Who cares if I'm the only one out of 100 people who doesn't have internet on my phone? Or who cares if I can't talk about the latest TV shows because we only have basic cable and no TIVO. Who cares if I've never owned anything with an i- in front of it (I-pod, i-pad, i-touch,i-phone, who knows what else there is) Who cares if I still burn downloaded songs onto CDs? Who cares if we just have one car without all the crazy luxury junk that comes in them these days? Who cares if I don't have any workout equipment or a gym membership? (ok, i DO care about that) Who cares if we don't have blu-ray or plasma or whatever the heck else exists now in that department. Who cares if I don't have studio lights or an off camera flash or the know how? Maybe I just want to keep it simple! sheesh! Ok, it's late and i'll be done.
This must be what happens when you turn 24!
After all this ranting, I feel better now!
