some days i hate myself.
today is one of those days.
the problem with me is, i want it all. and i want it all NOW. I don't want to work for it, and i don't want to wait. even though i know this about myself, it doesn't help. it doesn't change me.
i want a skinny body. a long, lean skinny body. i want to be in a size 9 or 11. that's surely not much to ask is it? oh, but it is. today i went and tried on clothes. nothing fits me in my closet. i'm sick of it. i hang out in pajamas all day because i really have nothing that fits me. trying on clothes always makes me hate myself. i'm a size 15 and yeah that's embarrassing but i really don't care who knows anymore. i couldn't even fit into some of the 15's. my thighs and belly are huge. i have love handles oozing out of the top of every pair of pants. it makes every shirt i try to wear very unflattering. i'm so tall that nothing fits. being tall AND fat is very very hard to find clothes that fit. i feel so helpless about it. i know i need to not eat sugar. its a vicious cycle with that , though. the minute i tell myself i can't have it, i want it. and i have to have it. and i'll eat more of it than if i tell myself i CAN have it. i can't go without sweets, i just can't do it. and i'm SICK AND TIRED of people saying , you are beautiful no matter what size you are, you are a mother, its not about looks. screw that. i don't care if i seem surface or whatever. if i don't look good, i don't feel good about myself. period. i can tell myself all day that marilyn monroe was a size 14 and her thighs touched too, and that was considered "beauty" , and blah blah blah. at the end of the day, i still wanna be skinny. everyone does. i don't expect to be a size 0 or even a size 6. i know that's out of the question for me, i have hips and a shape. i don't mind that. but just because i am"built bigger" doesn't mean i have to accept my thighs being as big as a football players! waaaaah waaaah waaaah! i'm so ornery about this. i snap at andrew and the kids because i hate the way i look. i hate looking at pics of myself. i see pics of how i used to look and just cry! why did this happen? yeah, i have a sweets problem, but c'mon, it isn't that bad! i don't sit there and eat crap all day. i drink water, never pop. i try to stay away from bread. i'm so pissed!!!!
i want to be a great mom. i want to read & teach my kids. i want to be patient with them all day. i want to take them on walks and cook them good meals. i want to be cherishing every sweet little thing each of my boys is doing. they'll never be this age again and that eats me up inside. i don't blog as much about them. i don't blog about mason as much as i did with jax. i don't do fun things with mason, like i did with jax at that age. mostly, i just want jax to go play with his friends, so he'll QUIT TALKING TO ME! that is so horrible, but its how i feel. i just want some piece and quiet and he won't ever stop! i feel so horrible about it. he's such a good , sweet and smart kid.
i want to be a good wife. that means keep the house clean, organize, grocery shop, cook meals. i suck at all 4 of those things, and i'm really not lying.
i want to look good. i want to do my make up and hair every day. i want to pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs and armpits. i want to get a tan. i want to paint my toenails & wear jewelry. i don't have time to look good, or a reason really.
i want to do crafts. i want my house to look cute. i have so many crafts on pinterest that i want to do. i don't do them. other moms do them.
i want to eat good food. i wanna have cookies. i wanna eat normal things, things i've eaten my whole life and not feel so much freaking guilt.
i want to blog. i never have the time. its always about editing other people's pictures, not my own. its always about keeping up on my photography blog and or facebook.
i want to better my photography business. i want to learn how to design. i want to take classes. i want to make thank you cards to send to my clients. i want a whole new packaging plan with my photography when i send out discs and prints.
i want to download music and have tons and tons of good music on my i-pod.
i want to learn to sew.
i want to learn to play my guitar.
i want to run a half marathon.
i want to keep up on everyone's birthdays by sending cards to them.
i want to learn to cook and learn to actually freaking like it.
i want my house clean. and kept clean. i want a system.
i want to be freaking organized.
i want to read books.
i know i'm the only one that can make these changes. there is no secret to doing these things without working for them. i know that. and that overwhelms me. then i go take a nap to get away from it.
6 comments:
i am at the same point in my life. minus being a mom. and i just keep telling myself that i'm the only one standing in my way, but most days, that does nothing for me. someday, something will snap inside of you and you'll begin doing all of these things. not all at once, but little by little. and you'll look back at yourself and think "wow, look at what i got myself through". -- that's how it was for me when i stopped eating sugar. and i'm still tempted, daily to eat it, but i try (try being the key word) to stay away from it because i know that i only think it will make me happy. it won't really make me happy. in fact, after i've eaten it, i'll feel worse about myself becasue a) i didn't have enough will power to stay away from it and b) its only going to add to my "voluptiousness". i've started trying to set daily or weekly goals for myself. little ones that i know i can accomplish. like, read 5 verses in the BOM or drink 1 liter of water a day. something that will eventually lead to me being able to accomplish a bigger goal like loosing weight or gaining a stronger testimony. i've found that by starting with something i know i can do, i don't get so discouraged as easily. just like children need to take baby steps to learn to walk, we too need to take baby steps in order to accomplish what we want in life. try starting with small things that will help you feel better or more accomplished, then, once you have built up a routine for yourself, move on to slightly bigger goals.
sorry, i'm rambing.
bottom line is, i'm sorry you're feeling this way and i hope you start feeling better soon. its never any good to have the blues. and i know we don't really know each other in person or very well, i'm always here to talk if you ever need anyone. :)
I totally hear you. I understand every feeling you are having, I have had them too (minus the running a half marathon thing, I HATE running, and it is very bad for your body in the long 'run' he, he). I have not reached all my goals, and I never will. We put too much on ourselves, expect too much. We are competing with the B&G magazines for our homes, Parent magazines for our perfect children we have time to play with and do crafts with, and all forms of media for our bodies and being put together. But, in the end, we are humans living in the real world, and try to remember, what you see of someone else and what they seem to be doing so well, is also not the reality. No matter how well you may even know someone, if you think they are doing everything right, then you don't know them fully, yet. I guess I am trying to say, give yourself a break, you are doing fine. No one can be everything to everyone all at once. One thing at a time, then leave it aside for another want. I took a sewing class last summer, learned some things, and have not touched it since. I got a guitar book, restrung Joe's guitar and practices for 2 weeks, haven't touched it since. Now my one thing is online school. Until that is done, I am not reading a book or doing anything else. I worked out for 6 weeks, and now I am resting for 2. I know I need to lose weight to feel healthy and happier with myself, but I hope. Hope is great. It allows me to say, "OK, not now, but someday." If the someday doesn't come, at least I was able to worry a little less. It matters little if we actually reach any of our goals, just enjoy each little minute you can to spend on them. You don't have to be a great cook, but I bet you know more than you did when you got married. Same with organization, cleaning (which have nothing really to do with being a good wife, unless we are stuck in the 1950's) and anything else you have been doing just fine with! And your boys, they have each other now, too, for entertainment and they will learn so much from each other it makes up for you not being able to give as much one on one, my goodness, your time is split now, and that is fine. You are awesome, and still very young (I was your age when I FINALLY got married to Joey). Enjoy, shrug it off, because you are perfect! Doing all you can is perfection! Hope I didn't ramble too much. I have been feeling down myself lately, and I am trying to motivate myself again. I miss my Joey, I miss the love and hugs and talks, and everything. I am so lonely and overwhelmed by how difficult it is to try to be everything to the kids, I know I can't. Families aren't meant to be single. But, I will do my best, even if that means just not yelling today. Love you, sister. You are your worst critic. I do not see an ugly or fatty when I see you. I see your gorgeous face, curvy, younger body and I wish I was there again. I guess it's all perspective. We always wish we could look as good as we did at a younger age, until we can't remember what that was!
Love, Gina
this post made me cry....
i shall commiserate with you, because i feel these things as well. almost 100% of what you wrote.
pj's? that's all we wear here. i'm a size 18/20. i know i am the only one who can change it, but every day i just say, 'well...maybe tomorrow?'
i lose patience with my kid on a daily basis. as an adoptive mom, i am not allowed to confess that, but i just did. most days i feel like i am letting everyone down. including him.
however, we know who we are, ya know? most days the noise drowns it out and we can't hear it.
you are validated, because these feelings are all completely understandable.
try again tomorrow with me?
oh alecia, i can relate to so much about this post! most days i feel like i'm having an identity crisis because my whole day (and most of the night as my baby STILL doesn't sleep) is devoted to meeting other's needs. and then i get depressed because i fall so short even doing that every single day. i wish i had some encouraging words, but i'm still trying to figure things out myself. i do know one thing--no one's happy if mama's not happy. good luck with finding balance!
Oh love. I so understand what you're going through. I have a book, some clothes and a big hug for you. ;) I've been feeling the same way in so many ways...having a second kid is really freaking me out because sometimes Paisley is just too much-and there's only one of her! We definitely should hang out some time this week!
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