Overwhelmed and Discouraged

some days i hate myself.
today is one of those days.

the problem with me is, i want it all. and i want it all NOW. I don't want to work for it, and i don't want to wait. even though i know this about myself, it doesn't help. it doesn't change me.

i want a skinny body. a long, lean skinny body. i want to be in a size 9 or 11. that's surely not much to ask is it? oh, but it is. today i went and tried on clothes. nothing fits me in my closet. i'm sick of it. i hang out in pajamas all day because i really have nothing that fits me. trying on clothes always makes me hate myself. i'm a size 15 and yeah that's embarrassing but i really don't care who knows anymore. i couldn't even fit into some of the 15's. my thighs and belly are huge. i have love handles oozing out of the top of every pair of pants. it makes every shirt i try to wear very unflattering. i'm so tall that nothing fits. being tall AND fat is very very hard to find clothes that fit. i feel so helpless about it. i know i need to not eat sugar. its a vicious cycle with that , though. the minute i tell myself i can't have it, i want it. and i have to have it. and i'll eat more of it than if i tell myself i CAN have it. i can't go without sweets, i just can't do it. and i'm SICK AND TIRED of people saying , you are beautiful no matter what size you are, you are a mother, its not about looks. screw that. i don't care if i seem surface or whatever. if i don't look good, i don't feel good about myself. period. i can tell myself all day that marilyn monroe was a size 14 and her thighs touched too, and that was considered "beauty" , and blah blah blah. at the end of the day, i still wanna be skinny. everyone does. i don't expect to be a size 0 or even a size 6. i know that's out of the question for me, i have hips and a shape. i don't mind that. but just because i am"built bigger" doesn't mean i have to accept my thighs being as big as a football players! waaaaah waaaah waaaah! i'm so ornery about this. i snap at andrew and the kids because i hate the way i look. i hate looking at pics of myself. i see pics of how i used to look and just cry! why did this happen? yeah, i have a sweets problem, but c'mon, it isn't that bad! i don't sit there and eat crap all day. i drink water, never pop. i try to stay away from bread.  i'm so pissed!!!!

i want to be a great mom. i want to read & teach my kids. i want to be patient with them all day. i want to take them on walks and cook them good meals. i want to be cherishing every sweet little thing each of my boys is doing. they'll never be this age again and that eats me up inside. i don't blog as much about them. i don't blog about mason as much as i did with jax. i don't do fun things with mason, like i did with jax at that age. mostly, i just want jax to go play with his friends, so he'll QUIT  TALKING TO ME! that is so horrible, but its how i feel. i just want some piece and quiet and he won't ever stop! i feel so horrible about it. he's such a good , sweet and smart kid.


i want to be a good wife. that means keep the house clean, organize, grocery shop, cook meals. i suck at all 4 of those things, and i'm really not lying.

i want to look good. i want to do my make up and hair every day. i want to pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs and armpits. i want to get a tan. i want to paint my toenails & wear jewelry. i don't have time to look good, or a reason really.

i want to do crafts. i want my house to look cute. i have so many crafts on pinterest that i want to do. i don't do them. other moms do them.

i want to eat good food. i wanna have cookies. i wanna eat normal things, things i've eaten my whole life and not feel so much freaking guilt.

i want to blog. i never have the time. its always about editing other people's pictures, not my own. its always about keeping up on my photography blog and or facebook.

i want to better my photography business. i want to learn how to design. i want to take classes. i want to make thank you cards to send to my clients. i want a whole new packaging plan with my photography when i send out discs and prints.

i want to download music and have tons and tons of good music on my i-pod.
i want to learn to sew.
i want to learn to play my guitar.
i want to run a half marathon.
i want to keep up on everyone's birthdays by sending cards to them.
i want to learn to cook and learn to actually freaking like it.
i want my house clean. and kept clean. i want a system.
i want to be freaking organized.
i want to read books.

 i know i'm the only one that can make these changes. there is no secret to doing these things without working for them. i know that. and that overwhelms me. then i go take a nap to get away from it.

Happy Valentines Day!

Baby M is 6 months!

I'm sad. our sweet Mas is 6 months old today!

i can't believe it!

here are some things about the man:

-he's a teensy bit BELOW average in height and weight. i never thought i'd have a kid like that. i come from a family of very large babies and kids. i actually love his small petite-ness. yes, he could be a bit chubbier, i love chubby babies. but i love little mas man. he seems younger than he is , which means he gets to be a baby longer.

-he still eats every 3 hours, anywhere from 4-6 oz. 

-we started rice cereal mixed with apple juice and he loved it! he did really well with it. jax didn't at first, so we were surprised when he caught right on!

- he spits up soooo bad. its a gross habit he needs to kick.

-his eyes have turned gray. (just like jax) we think his eyes will be hazel (just like jax)

-he loves bath time. always has.

- he loves big brother. he smiles and smiles and stares and listens to jax. its really the cutest thing ever and i'm so glad they have each other.

- he's mainly a pretty happy, smiley boy now. sometimes by just looking at someone, he'll laugh.

but usually he'll get this tired energy and start laughing. that's when we know its almost nap time because it will turn into a cry not long after.

- he has slept through the night! a few times! but only in st george. he likes to be home. he's a much better sleeper than stinky jax ever was.

- he'll usually take 2 naps a day.  a shorter one about an hour or two after he wakes up in the morning. and a longer afternoon one (up to 2 ish hours!) he goes to bed around 8 or 9. i feel like we're getting a nice routine with him.

- he is a big time mama's boy. he loves me more than anything. he's obsessed with me. he wants to be a part of my body (again). i actually kind of love it. jax never made me feel that special :( now jax is a sweetheart, but as a baby , he didn't care who had him. when mason hears my voice or sees me, he lights up. OR cries. he cries because he wants me and he knows no one can make him as happy as mama can! Until a few days ago (i'm really sad and kind of glad about this actually), he liked to be swaddled tightly and spanked hard on the bum to go to sleep. now, i guess he thinks he's getting too old for that or something , cause he likes to be put in his crib to go to sleep on his own.

- he loves people and noise and going places.

- he's not as hmmm...whats the right word for this...motivated as jax was. he's not as eager to go go go and learn. its okay with me, i'm not worried about him or anything. i  think jax was and still is maybe an over-achiever. he acts older than his age. Mason doesn't. and i'm fine with that. he reaches out and grabs things, puts everything in his mouth, and makes sweet baby noises. he's a bit more content i'd say. and maybe a bit more mellow. he's fine just watching things happen. i wonder if he'll always be like that? its interesting to see the different personalities in the boys. and to see how young they start to show their personalities. i just don't want him to have to live in jax's shadow and have "middle child syndrome". i think jax will always be bigger and more motivated. mason is "average"... hmmm we'll see. its funny the things you start to worry and think about as a parent.

we had a mini photoshoot on my mom's kitchen floor. (she has some of the yummiest window light)

i have more that i want to edit and post eventually.

he's such a beautiful little bear.

i love his sparkly eyes and his petite nose.

Mornings in Richfield

Mornings in Richfield. The way the sun hits the red west mountain. The smell of cold & exhaust. Driving to high school. I hated high school. It smelled like rust, heaters, lockers, people.  I'd always try to make sure I left exactly in enough time to get there right before the bell rang, so i wouldn't have to hang out there. I didn't have friends. by this point in my life, i didn't care. i was sick of starting over and making new friends. i had moved to a different school every 2-3 years. now i was in 11th grade, and friend making was more of a challenge than it had ever been. i didn't care. if i did get there early, cause sometimes my brother wanted to leave earlier, i'd just go in the bathroom and stay there til the bell rang. i only ever had about 5 minutes to kill. i remember the peachy-pink walls and floor, and wondering if the boys bathroom looked as hideous. i still remember the smell of the nasty, cheap soap they had in there. i'd put on my victoria's secret lotion to avoid smelling like that all day. i'd count down the hours til school was out , because then i'd get out of here and i'd get to see my boyfriend. sometimes though, i'd get to see him at lunch. sometimes he'd pick me up in his loud red camaro. he had purposely done something to the muffler i guess to make it as loud as it was. i liked being with him. he was my escape. i finally felt free and comfortable. we'd spend hours together. i miss that sometimes. i don't miss the fights with my parents who hated him.

I woke up this morning, in Richfield.  but this time , i didn't have to go scrape off my icy windows and go to the school that i once hated. now, i had a bottle to make for my 6 month old son. now, i was talking to my 4 year old about the dreams we had last night. as i sat on the couch feeding mason his bottle, i looked out the window. i saw the sun on the mountain. i thought of those poor high schoolers headed to that stinky old school. some wouldn't dread it as i did though.

that seems like another life time ago, but it still feels like yesterday too. its crazy that i'm now 25! high school was like 8 years ago. i still dream that i am in school. that i still have classes to find, graduation to get ready for. i'm glad  that nightmare is over! Richfield is a constant reminder of my youth. i miss it horribly sometimes. i miss doing whatever i want. i miss my body and my clothes. i miss eating whatever i wanted. i miss motorcycle rides and sneaking out at night. i miss dragging main. i miss the excitement of having a boyfriend. making out , holding hands. i miss not being responsible for anyone or anything. i miss my green acura and my movie theater job. okay, well maybe not my movie theater job so much.

 and other times, i just wanna go home to my grown up life in st. george. i wanna watch american idol and laugh with my grown up husband, and sleep in our soft grown up bed. i wanna hang out with my cool friends. i wanna do my photography. i wanna be who i am now.


the end.

and then BAM it hit me.

i woke up and realized that i'm 25.
i'm 25 and i'm a mom of 2 boys.

when did all of  this happen?

seriously.

it wasn't that long ago that i graduated from high school, was it? 
now i have two human beings that i'm in charge of. i grew them in my uterus and they call me mom. I'M their mom. Me.

uhhhhh...no. i'm still 18 though. i swear i am.
when did this happen?

am i everything i thought i'd be at age 25? hahahaha YEAH. RIGHT.
of course not. who is?
25 is old. 25 year olds have careers. and they're serious. they don't listen to music, well good music anyway. they're adults. they know who they are. they are grown up. they don't paint their toe nails or eat cake batter. 25 is old. they have it together. this is not me. i'm still younger than this! i swear i am!

if time keeps going this fast, i don't know what i'll do.
25!!!

jax, 4 years

i have a 4 year old!

mason, 5  months.

christmas morning

 

Christmas Eve