My thoughts about my thoughts & the ugly truth.

I don't know about you, but my brain goes crazy at night. I mean crazy. Like marathon mode, solve every problem, do everything, bat shiz crazy. I don't sleep at night. I can't. My brain likes to re-hash the day and everything that did or did not happen. I would prefer to do this re-hashing with Andrew. He prefers not to. This bugs me and depresses me and makes my brain feel even crazier.

Thought topic of the night...WHY do people do this? This meaning get married, have kids. Well, no. the better question is this: Why do people delve into this lifestyle so dang early? why?? why does it seem so appealing? Why are young girls stupid enough to think that their lives will be some stupid fairy tale? Because it is not. it is the opposite. very very much the opposite. I'm not trying to sound like I hate life and waahh wahh waahh. Though, I can see that it might come across that way.

Lets take today for example. Normal day. Andrew wakes up, goes to clinicals. He will be gone all day. We have one car. I've done this before, its nothing new. I try not to want to eat all day. I take care of kids. One needs a bottle, the other one needs a sandwich. Then they both need attention. Meanwhile, the dishes are a heaping mess, taking over the sink and what little counter space i do have. I alternate between reading books to the kids and doing dishes (by hand. our dishwasher actually makes the dishes DIRTIER) The dishes finally get done, about two and a half hours later. I tell myself I don't want cookies. I look up a weight watchers cookie recipe and i make myself the dang cookies. I eat some dough, then have to stop myself before i deeply regret consuming the whole bowl. I try to get Mason down for a nap. He won't sleep, he won't eat. but he will lay in his crib. I feel guilty about leaving him in his crib. I should be stimulating him somehow. His mind, his body. He's still not sitting up. I feel guilty about that and i feel guilty about the pile of clean laundry waited to be folded in my hallway. Instead of doing anything productive, I get on my computer. Facebook, Pinterest, Photoshop. blah blah the same old. that gets boring, so i finally get dressed. i don't like getting dressed or getting ready. unless i do something or go somewhere, its a waste of time. Andrew comes home! I leave. I go anywhere, just to be out of the house. I go shopping to look for something to wear for family pictures. I try things on and hate my body all over again, realize that is a vicious hate cycle and that i should avoid clothing stores altogether. I come to the conclusion that we will not being doing family pictures this spring. I've gotta get out of a size 14. My thighs are unacceptable. I don't feel as fat as the mirror tells me i am. I'm trapped in this body. I come home, sad. Andrew made sloppy joes. I tell myself i shouldn't eat it, its probably too many points. But andrew will get mad and not want to cook, and i love when he cooks, so i eat the dang sloppy joes. We fight jaxon on just about every bite. The dishes need to be done AGAIN. AGAIN! i take a nap instead. i'm so tired all the time. i didn't mean to sleep as long as i did, but it felt so good! i love sleep. wake up, andrew is playing xbox. yelling and cussing at it. blah. i get on my computer again. i spend an hour making spring word art and browsing pinterest. i check my messages on facebook and listen to music. Meanwhile, I can feel my butt getting fatter, and the house chores are looming right above my head, weighing down. I come out into the living room. andrew is watching something but then says he's gonna go to bed. i'm not tired. we've said maybe 10 words to each other today. that doesn't seem to bother him. he goes to bed, and fast. he's snoring. Mason is up and ready to eat. Yipee! I feed him. that's life.

I feel trapped. I feel unproductive, well i am. I feel guilty. but the guilt doesn't motivate me, it just makes me worse. I don't wanna do anything, i just wanna sleep and eat cookie dough. I get mad at myself about not cleaning, not exercising, not doing the things i know i need to do. this makes me not like myself! i'm in a bad, bad rut. I wonder why on EARTH i consciously chose to get married at 19 and get pregnant at 20. WHYYYY? why did i do that? I know that regretting it now will get me nowhere, so i've just gotta suck it up and be a woman about it. i try to enjoy it, because i know i should. i try to be positive , because being negative is just crappy.  But i just can't help but think this same thought, over and over again: "if i could do it all again......"

i love my boys. mason's head smells SO GOOD. i wouldn't trade that smell for anything. jax is funny and sweet and well i love him too of course. but geez louise, what did i sign myself up for? and WHEN when when will i actually be ready for this?

I've tried lots of things to change my ways. I've read books, I've read blogs, I've made to-do lists and goals and resolutions. I've put up inspiration in my house. I've made game plans. But i can't stick to a dang thing. There is something inside of me that will not be disciplined. It will not follow routine. It begs and yearns for change. It wants to be wild and free! Not 25 and chubby!!!

And this is what the inside of my brain looks like at 12:02 am. its not pretty. but, i think i feel better now. It's like brain vomit. And you are lucky enough to have witnessed it.