I am finally getting it...

 things are coming together in my head..and i wanna write it down.

I am hesitant to share such personal feelings publicly, because of the judgement and the mean, condescending comments some people feel so inclined to leave. But i feel like this could maybe inspire others, who are like me. if there are any like me, i am a rare case. there are so many sweet, amazing, inspiring & understanding people in my on-line (and real) life, that i feel comfortable enough to share it.


Today I went to church. And two weeks ago i did too. Only relief society though. this is big for me. Our church is at 9am, and andrew works weekends (from 2am to 2pm). We have one car. Right there is a good excuse for anyone to not make it to church. But is anything easy? Not if its worth it, right?

Well as some of you know, i've been struggling with the church. nothing happened specifically, i just dreaded it (like always), and decided i don't need to be doing something that makes me miserable just because family and friends want me to. this is how i looked at it. so i quit. i am not a hater by any means, and i believe in christ, and i still consider myself a good  person (another utah belief: if you do not go to church, you are not a good person) Well, i decided i'd prove that wrong , because if there's one thing i hate, its judging someone before you get the chance to know them. People have bad habits, People have their own trials, that doesn't mean they aren't good. I swear, Utah can either make you or break you. And since i am rebellious by nature, well, i just didn't agree. I didn't feel like i  was better than anyone else, and i didn't like to think or act like i was.

my little non-active thing taught me a lot. a lot more than anyone could try to tell me. i have to do things myself to learn. my brother just got off a mission not too long ago. we have talks, talks that surprising help me feel better. a few things he said have really stuck with me. one of them was something along the lines of, "the gospel was designed for your own personal benefit, to make YOU happy, not miserable. its not supposed to make you feel inadequate or like you have a million rules to follow, or competitive or better than anyone else, its for YOUR happiness." okay, he didn't quite say that, but that's how i took it. i think about that a lot as i go to church. instead of thinking, "i'm such a molly mormon robot woman for being here" "everyone is judging me, no one really cares, they're just here to look good", i focus on what's actually being taught. i listen to what the others have to say. i don't pick myself apart, thinking how i could be more perfect. i think of how these lessons apply to me and how i can better myself. and  THAT right there, is what i've learned that church is all about.


It is true, I got the "meat before the milk" or whatever. I wasn't ready for the temple. I'm not ready for a lot of things. I can't sit through a gospel doctrine class without wanting to shoot myself. i don't understand a word of it or why on earth it applies to me personally. And that's okay. Everything is really okay. If i try my best, i will be blessed. i'm by no means changed overnight. and i don't plan to be. i don't want to lose myself, who i am, in all of this religious stuff. and i felt like i did awhile ago. its because i didn't understand. growing up in utah can be bad and good. its good because you are surrounded and sheltered by good people (usually). but its bad because its easy to not gain a testimony or beliefs of your own. you feed off of everyone else. you do what their doing , because its expected of you. then it becomes a chore, a negative thing. that's my life right there,that's what happened. well when you are an adult, you can pick and choose what you want to do in your life. if you don't want to go to church, YOU DON'T HAVE TO . no one is there making you. and i got a taste of that freedom for awhile, and it was great. i loved the fact that no one was expecting anything of me. people left me alone about it. that's what i needed. during this time, i would pray occasionally. i always always received comfort from God. always. and then i knew he loved me, he knows me. he knows that i am good. God is patient and he loves me, and he is always there. that's all i needed to know.

Then i realized that life was quite unhappy. i had no purpose. i was ornery. i felt overwhelmed. life was negative all the time. anti-depressants can only do so much. then one week, andrew took jax to primary. i didn't wanna miss his first time, so i had to drag my butt out of bed, and get ready for church. i went there and watched jax. i felt like crying. he loved it of course. i told myself then that i can keep myself from church, but i won't keep jaxon. well, that's not possible. i couldn't go pull him out of primary when he was loving it so much, so i went to relief society (EEEW!) i've never been a fan of relief society. nothing bad has ever happened there, but i didn't like the thought of being in a room full of molly mormon PERFECT women, teaching us all to be little perfect wives and moms, by cooking , cleaning and doing other horrible things i hated. but...i bit my tongue and just went. i sat in the back, where i like it. no one notices me for the most part, and if i wanna sneak out mid-way through, i can. i ended up loving it. people smiled at me. i smiled back. no one asked if i was new or my name, or asked me to pray or read anything. i was free. free to sit there and just listen. that's all i wanted. that's how it was again this week. no pressure, just me being able to sit there and listen. and i liked what i heard. these were real women, like me. with kids, busy husbands, no money, etc.  we were being taught things that actually applied to me. there was no gospel doctrine, not ONE thing went over my head. i understood all of it, and felt good.

i was uplifted. to me, right now, church is about uplifting. to others, i realize its for callings, teaching, service, etc. but for me, its for upliftment. My day goes better after having been uplifted. i love to sing the songs, they make me feel great. i'm not gonna force anything more on myself right now. i just want to get jax to primary, and i wanna listen in relief society, and feel good for the rest of the day. that's my goal, and i think its a good one.



the end.