Sometimes jax will ask me for a baby "stister" . the hopeful , dreamy part of me will think that maybe he knows something I don't. That maybe I'll have one soon, and he knows her. Then the smart, realistic part of me kicks me in the face and coldly reminds me that no, he's probably just asking about siblings and wondering about them, because everyone he knows has at least one.
How do I explain to him that its not that easy. That I can't. That I'm trying , but it may never happen.
Thats probably the hardest thing about this infertility stuff. Knowing that Jax is having to grow up alone. He has to share his experiences, his excitement, with is old , boring , stressed out, non imaginative , pessimistic parents. Holidays, Birthdays, family trips, all of it, alone.
I feel so much guilt about that. I have failed him. And there's nothing I can do about it. I hate when something is completely out of my hands like this. "It'll happen when its meant to" Those words are meant to be nice, I know. But they aren't. They are meant to give me hopeful outlook on this whole situation, and it did at first, but not anymore. Oh so its "meant" for Jax to not have a sibling?? grrrrr.
I bought a box that had 3 pregnancy tests in it. With how often I buy them, its a better deal. On the box was a picture of ALL THREE pregnancy tests showing BOTH blue lines on them. All three were showing positive. I know this is crazy that something stupid like that gets to me, but it does. How inconsiderate is it of them to show ALL three tests being positive? Do they KNOW how HARD it is to get both of those lines??! It so easy for them, with their photoshop or whatever, to draw that second line in. So easy to make it positive. I'd KILL to see that second blue line. And there it was on this package, not once. but three times. I cried a teensy bit seeing those blue lines on that package. I sound completely out of my mind. And , I don't doubt that I am. A few years ago, if I would have read this , surely I'd think I was a nutcase. Because of ignorance. I didn't know how bad something like this could HURT. I had no idea.
i know there's nothing anyone can really say to make this better. I just had to get it out. It feels a little better.
i'm no good at holding things in.
11 comments:
It will happen for you! It happens at the right time and when it does it will be even more magical...more magical then those double blue lines.
i'm praying for you hun! prolly when you least expect it too is when it will happen! don't beat yourself up and the questions jax's ask are prolly common questions. find him a doll, maybe that might help him a little bit use his imagination to care for a baby. that way when the baby actually gets here he is ready too.
breathe.
If I could get pregnant too I would be a sergeant mother for you! Love you~
Don't guilt yourself. Dax hates sharing everything now. HE hates not getting attention. Some days I wish I could have 4-5 years between kids so they can all have time and attention that they need. I'm sure you are sick of people saying it will happen. I promise it will. I remember a year and a half of the stress, then a miscarriage. It can be so hard and stressful. I took 1 year of clomid before I had Dax. But then look at Kai, accident! You never know. When the time is right, you will be blessed. :)
I don't know why we go through the crap we go through. I am sure you are supposed to help your friends. I think you are very young and will get pregnant for sure...I think you have a great marriage and that anything is possible when you have that.
i think you have the right to complain and going through a hard time and talk about it.
Love ya.
We're all hoping for the best for you guys! I don't think in any way you've failed Jax, he's happy and healthy and probably spoiled rotten, so I wouldn't worry about that. But on a different note, did you know that you can buy preg. tests at the dollar store that work just as well as the expensive early ones? I didn't believe it either, but it's true!
Alecia, I remember feeling the same things as you. I was SO depressed and everyone was pregnant but me. There really is nothing any one can say to make you feel better. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy. I am praying for ya!!
I was going to mention the dollar store preg. tests, too! It might save you some money!
And, I do wish there was something I could say to help ease your pain. Maybe the only advice I can add is to try to relax and focus all that baby-hungry attention on Jaxon. He will be okay whether he has 10 siblings or no siblings as long as he has parents who love him. And he has that! So whether or not another baby comes, enjoy the precious little miracle you have! Enjoy the freedom of one child. Enjoy how adorable he is! Enjoy the fact that your house is not overflowing with laundry, toys, shoes, and pee puddles. :) Relish in the fact that you can do more things, go more places, get more sleep!! Be thankful that your grocery bill isn't ridiculously large! Think of how many more presents you can get for Christmas instead of buying all kids stuff. Love the fact that it's SO much easier to get a babysitter for only one child rather than feeling stuck at home ALL THE TIME with 4!! I know this all seems so small compared to what you want, but maybe it will help get your mind off getting pregnant! :)
thanks everyone. especially thanks to monica!!!! that helps me feel tons better.
I know nothing of infertility, so I won't even pretend I can empathize. I can't even wish that this was my problem over being extra furtile, but I do also hate those blue lines on the pregnancy test. Damn them for bringing tears. I HATE to hear "everything happens for a reason" cuz what is the reason for so much pain? Wether now or in x amount of time when you are granted another baby, you will be equally grateful and loving so it should happen sooner. I am so sorry Alecia. Wish I knew what to say to help you, our problems are so completely opposite. But do think of all the more things you are getting to do since you have just one child. It changes much with two. Jax gets your undevided attention and I can't think of a better gift in this world. I mean, seriously, all day with just you...heaven. Lucky kid.
Love ya lots.
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