Every married person NEEDS to read this!

 Marriage is SO hard. Even when people brag about having the perfect marriage, you know they are lying or just trying to show off. I've often wondered what we can do to get back to "how things were" . these are some great, SIMPLE tips. and hey-- lots of them i've tried to make happen in our marriage! this must be written by a woman. I found this on The Idea Room.


SERIOUSLY, read it!






Thank you for all the great comments on last week’s post about “How to Date Your Husband”. It was exciting to hear that the questions helped get the conversation between you and your spouse started. Since I started guest posting here on The Idea Room, I have received some great questions from readers. Believe it or not, at least a third of them have come from wives who want to know how to “put the spark back in their marriages”.
The complaint is that things are not like they “used to be”, and at the end of the day when their spouses are looking forward to spending time together, they are tired, exhausted, and “not in the mood”. The questions have been honest and straightforward. With so many women wondering the same thing, I thought we would address the topic. Don’t worry, it’s family friendly.
First, realize that to women, subconsciously everything is related to how we feel about being intimate. Dishes aren’t done, intimate. Kids were hard to handle today, intimate. The house is a mess, intimate. Husband helped with the laundry, In.tim.ate Sometimes men don’t understand this. Tell them. Explain how difficult it can be to “relax”, when there are so many things that need to be done, and so many things on your mind. For women a bad day means they are “not interested”. Men do not usually view things this same way. Women need to be shown love and attention. For women, having our husbands help shoulder our responsibilities is much more likely to get us in the “mood”.
So given that everything in our day affects how we feel about the bedroom, we can make some changes in different aspects of our day that will help us more easily find the “temperature” we have been looking for. Struggles in the bedroom are not necessarily bed room problems, but all the other problems in life tend to affect the bedroom.

Here are some suggestions….

• Life in general can make us tired, but sometimes we are trying to do too much and that makes us really tired. When we are really tired we don’t have the energy to “be together”. Assess your families life. Are there some things that you could cut out so you have more energy to be together.  Be sure your family isn’t over scheduled. Activities are good, for you and your kids, but too many will mean your family is not getting stronger, instead you get weaker because there is no energy to spend with one another.

• Establish a bed time for your children, and stick with it. Not only will it be better for your children, but it will give you and your husband time to be together everyday. This alone time is very important when you are trying to establish “similar temperatures”.

• When you have time together at night because the kids have a bed time you stick with, spend that time talking. Turn off the television, turn off the computer and any other technological distractions and Talk. Remember when you were courting, when things were “how they used to be”. Remember when you fell in love? You probably talked a lot together. Try it again, only listen and learn as if it’s the first time, and don’t interrupt. You have to make time to do this on a daily basis. 15 minutes of talking daily is one of the surest ways to keep the two of you from “drifting apart”. 15 minutes doesn’t sound like much, but most (like 80%) of couples, don’t talk to one another for 15 minutes a day. Pay attention to one another the way you used to.

• Along these same lines, if you have a television in your bedroom, take it out. Let your bedroom be open to connection through words and touch.

• Go on dates. Weekly. Or at least every other week. Baby sitters are much less expensive than therapists. It is okay to leave the kids and go do something together. This sends a message to your children that your marriage is important. Hold hands, walk slow and enjoy being together. Treat each other with kindness and respect and you will feel the temperature rise as you spend time just the two of you. This can include a night away with one another. You can’t expect to retain feelings of love when you neglect your companionship.

• Find things you like to do together and do them. Don’t give up the things that made you so happy at the earlier phase of your marriage. Be intentional and do things together.

• Say hello and goodbye to one another. When your husband leaves for work, don’t just holler “bye” from the kitchen. Go to him, give him a kiss, an I Love You, and say goodbye. Connect the same way when he comes home. When you were dating I bet you wrapped your arms around him and wouldn’t let go. Do that again.

• Go to bed at the same time. Establish a nightly routine that allows you and your husband to climb into bed at the same time. Laugh and chat while you brush your teeth. This routine should happen every night if possible.

• This one is direct. For the next three months, you and your husband each commit to being intimate twice a week. You are responsible for initiating once, and your husband the other. When it’s your turn, set the mood, the place and the time, the agenda. When it’s your husbands turn, be a willing participant. You will quickly see that those two days of the week you may treat each other better than you did when you were first married. Set aside time and make it a priority.

• Don’t be so judgmental and hard on yourself. Let go of the thought that you don’t look like you did before you had kids, or when you were younger. Be comfortable and confident in your own skin. We are always hardest on ourselves. Relax and learn to love yourself.

• Make your bedroom a safe haven. I am so guilty of this one. If I am not careful, our bedroom becomes the dumping ground for everything undone. Especially unfolded laundry. I always think by putting it on the bed, it will force me to fold it before I go to sleep. Yeah, doesn’t always work. It is the last place in the house to get vacuumed and dusted. Our bedrooms should be a safe and comfortable place for our relationships. Make the bed everyday, don’t let it become the laundry room, and attend to it just like you do the rest of your house. It will make a big difference when you climb in to bed with your spouse each night.

You will start to find that as you and your husband put more effort into finding time to be together, you will feel better about yourself also. Use your alone time to compliment one another and express gratitude for all your spouse does. Thank him for all the ways he supports your family. Tell your husband how you feel when he acknowledges all the hard work you do for him and for your children.

Rekindle the flame you once had and you will see that “things will be more like they used to be”.

How do you keep the sparks flying in your relationship?