Trying to run a business.

I never really talk about this stuff on this blog. Or any blog, really.

Truth is, running a business is so dang hard. I knew it would be. But I wasn't totally prepared. I've had absolutely no photography or business school . I just recently learned what an "invoice" is. I've discovered the fun that comes with deadlines. I've had to learn about investing, saving money, answering e-mails, phonecalls. I've had a lesson in dealing with people socially, all types of them. The paperwork, oh the paperwork. I've learned to get serious about pricing, and hold my ground. I have business cards! I spend hours and hours on the computer editing. I've been so dang discouraged with photoshop at times, that I've cried. And now, I am just hearing about taxes, business insurance, and getting licensed. gee whiz!

I graduated High School, went to a few semesters in college, got married, had a baby, picked up a camera, started getting praise, then started a business. Maybe I jumped into it too fast. Well, I am sure I did. The funny thing is, is that I wasn't "starting a business" because everyone else was. I hate fads like that. I started it because I've always been a lover of art & expressing myself, and I felt like this was one of my true passions. It is so fun to capture personalities & beauty , then turn them into art. And it's really fun to hear that people like me. Who doesn't like that? 

Well , today I heard quite the opposite. This is my second run-in with a client. They've both been about weddings & they've both been from the mothers (imagine that!). I was told the photos don't look "professional" & that I'm lacking in confidence. And that she is worried & wants to go with someone else. Ouch! I knew this would happen eventually, and I guess I'm lucky it has taken this long to happen.  No, I am not professional. What does that mean? What qualifies you as a professional? Whatever it is, I don't feel like I am. I take photos I've been told are great, but I've never really felt "professional". Maybe that has to do with confidence, or a lack of education? Because I've always, always struggled with confidence. I don't know why, it's just been my nature. I am never completely sure of myself & I don't really know if I ever will be. 

Am I faking to be something I'm not? I label myself a "photographer" , but almost always feel guilty after doing so. I like to say "I do photography". I do not have a background, schooling, credentials, a license. Am I just a girl with a camera? Just like every other stay at home mom in Utah? "Photography" is an evergrowing field, but I feel like its losing it's meaning. I feel like I am drowning in it. It's all around me & its all a big competition. It's just a fad. Am I a fad?

I know I am sensitive & take things way harder than I should . Most will say to brush this off & move on.  Of course I can't make every client happy, even though that is my goal. I put everything into this so it's hard to get negative feedback.  Everyone has to go through things like this. But can I do this? I am not a natural "business" woman. I am not bossy. This is a tough job for me to try and act like someone I'm not.

I do know that I will probably not be doing weddings any longer. I never have liked weddings because they're crazy. And the mothers are crazier. Which I get it, weddings are stressful. But I already had my stressful day, & I'm not sure I want to be part of someone elses. I don't like everything to be in my hands like that. I know what makes me most happy are photographing people, not events. I like photographing, knowing that if I do mess up, we can reschedule. You can't reschedule a wedding. After doing my very first wedding, I remember thinking to myself, I am not a wedding photographer. Maybe with schooling, I could be. But its not my cup of tea. All the people and the pressure. Me having to be bossy and in charge. Me being held accountable for your "once in a lifetime" pictures. Yeah, I don't want that job! It scares the crap out of me!

anyway. I just had to vent. Everything will be okay. I know I will not change my style for anyone. If people don't like me & want something extremely traditional, then by all means, find someone else. Cause it sure won't be hard. EVERYONE does photography now, or thinks they do. I just don't want my passion to become a chore. I don't want what I love to turn into a job I hate. If I want a job I hate, I'll go back to being a CNA or something. Photography is too special to me to have turn into a negative experience.

the end.